Today was the first day that I think I truly understood what it meant to be depressed. I’m officially on medical leave from work. I have a million things I want to do, like start the process of going back to college so that maybe my job might eventually have meaning again, or just, you know, clean my kitchen so I can cook in it and eat properly…
I woke up, I started out ok. I checked my email. Read some other people’s blogs: filed away some info to use to prove my Geek cred, got some humorous dating advice from my favorite raunchy writer, and a few others. I have varied tastes…
Then I did something stupid. I looked out the window, saw that it was, yet again, a grey and nasty day, and something in me fell. There was a sinking feeling inside of me that had a voice. That voice said “go back to bed til the sun comes out.”
And I did.
I crawled back into my bed and watched Netflix on my phone with the cracked screen, trying to will myself to sleep til the sun came up.
Instead another voice screamed in my head.
“Get up! You have to accomplish something today!”
Two hours this went on. A voice, my voice, screaming inside my head to get up, while my body rolled over and said “No, what’s the point?”
Occasionally I’d look at my phone. No texts. No missed calls. I have officially been in my apartment for two days now, and no one noticed…
Well, my mom called yesterday, and I do have a handful of friends who have noticed, but no one from work thought to check on me. I’m on medical leave… Maybe, just maybe something is wrong. Maybe I could use a friendly voice to see if I’m still alive, or, at the very least, check to see if I’m just ok.
I know many of them think I’m a coward, who has given up on my kiddos in the classroom, but it’s past that now. I am afraid of my life. Afraid of the mistakes I’ve made. Afraid of the choices I face.
I’m saddened to think that all the bad things are my fault. It feels like I am a failure, and that is my biggest fear. That I am no good at anything, and that all my life I’ve been faking it, and now that there is something broken in my head, everyone’s going to notice.
No wonder the boy doesn’t want me. I’m damaged goods…
It’s never been quite this bad before. And I keep trying to figure out where did it all fall apart?
I know that things were crappy at the school, and okay, the relationship that was not a relationship didn’t give me a steady foundation to work with, and maybe this winter has been a little more grey than usual, but really? I can’t get out of bed unless it’s to sit in front of the computer to see if anyone’s noticed I’m missing from life?
I think maybe I actually hit bottom this time.
I’ve been trying to fake it (you know, that whole “fake it til you make it” philosophy), but I’ve lost the war, I think.