Obviously I’ve been out of commission for a bit. I finally crashed and burned. For the first time that I can remember, Liz did not land on her feet… A friend of mine from college used to say that she thought I was blessed because I somehow always landed on my feet.
Well, I think that streak is over. It was a good long run, but, as with all good things, it had to come to an end.
That’s not to say that all is lost: Life is actually looking up for me. The job situation is quite over. With the school year wrapping up, and me still technically on medical leave, it’s time to start looking at summer jobs and to cement my plans for next year. Obviously, given the bizarre turn of events for me of late, I
probably definitely won’t be returning to the school I taught at this year. I have a few options, and I’m exploring all of them.
In other news, I have found that I have really amazing friends. While I allowed myself to fall very far down into a depressive black hole, they’ve been there to check on me, and to let me talk, even if most of my talk was just to ramble on about how little I understood about my situation. I was confused as to how it got so bad.
I’m also aware that from an outside perspective, it’s not that bad. I have a roof over my head, a family that loves me (although we don’t always know how to show it to each other), friends who are actually there for me in a crisis, and probably lots of other things that I should be thankful for.
But (there’s always a but, isn’t there?), this has been a crash a long time (at least 15 years) in the making. All my life I’ve been the one that people lean on, and repeatedly it has done me harm. I remember a time right after my first attempt at college where I was trying to get away from a bad boy and I decided I needed a roommate to help me take care of bills. I went through several roommates in that time before I found one that was helpful, and in reality, he wasn’t that helpful either. With each one, more and more stuff disappeared, and I carried more and more of the debt on my quickly becoming maxed out credit card.
I remember using my last can of green beans and the last half a pound of beef to feed a friend of mine because she couldn’t afford to feed herself and her kids. And I remember thinking, “I’m doing a good thing, and somehow it will work out. She’ll repay me when she can…”
And then I remember that same friend stole my decorative knives, the only gifts I kept from the bad boy I was running from, and the only thing of value in the house. She also stole my spices, but that’s another issue altogether.
While that is an extreme example, the same situation of me being there for people who aren’t there for me in return has kind of been a theme in my life. It’s been a life full of me being everyone’s counselor, but then who counsels the counselor? Have dating problems? Come talk to Liz, she’ll listen. Need a pick-me-up? Liz will throw you a party. Surprise parties, and gifts, and advice, all given and not returned…
When I need a shoulder to cry on, people tend to disappear into the woodwork.
Obviously there have been some exceptions (and you know who you are), but they have been few and far between until I found my book club girls. I know some people who have only recently come and gone from my life might not believe this, but I’m usually a really laid back person. I’m usually the person people come to when they need to be cheered up, or when they want to have relaxed fun.
I suppose that’s why those people have come and gone from my life… They came into my life while I was building up to this crash, and they didn’t want to stick around to see the real me come out the other side.
It makes me a little sad, actually, that some people have decided that I wasn’t worth the effort without actually getting to know the real me.
Now, after a month of contemplation and really looking at my life and my situation, I can say that I finally am back to normal again…well almost.
There’s still a little residual funk every now and then, but carefree, relaxed Liz is right around the corner. She’s making forward progress, and can wake up with a smile on her face and peace in her heart. And she’s ready to go dancing!