I’ve been really dwelling on this whole idea of second chances. What type of person deserves a second chance? Or does everyone deserve an opportunity to prove themselves?
I usually take the second stance, but I’ve been really thinking about how things were with the Pirate, and I think that perhaps my curiosity and my loneliness got the better of me and thus I made him out to be better in my head than he was in reality. On the other hand, I do see how his current situation may be to blame for his crappy attitude, and I really hadn’t made up my mind whether or not he was more Jekyll or more Hyde.
Thus, tonight, I’m seeking advice in our Twitter chat. Tonight’s #JustAddTea party will be about Second Chances!
So, here’s the conclusion I’ve somewhat come to considering the whole situation. And be aware that at this point it is purely speculation because I haven’t heard from him. He told me I wouldn’t hear from him until next week… and this is dangerous for him.
See, I’m one of those people that I will dwell on it until I get a few things cleared up. Sometimes, as I’m processing, that’s a good thing. In this case it’s not.
I keep going back to a couple of the reasons he gave for not wanting to be in a relationship. First of all, there’s his personal situation, and by not allowing me to be helpful to him, he’s denying my acts of service, exactly like the Boy would do, and that’s hurtful. It says that he doesn’t trust me, or doesn’t want me around even as a friend.
I think I’ve finally figured out how I define relationships.
Basically, to me, it’s a really simple formula…or rather there’s a range of formulas that define various types or stages of relationships.
If you like someone as a person, but you aren’t attracted to them, then they are your friend. If you are physically attracted to them, but don’t like them as a person, you can choose to keep them around as a fuck buddy, though that can get tricky because usually someone falls into feelings. If you like someone as a person, and are physically attracted to them, that is when they fall into the relationship potential category. You can begin keeping them as an FWB, and go from there, which is basically what I’ve been doing with the Pirate, and that’s what I consider us to be.
The goal, it seems to me, is to find someone that you like as a person, and are physically attracted to, and are in the same place with the same end goals. Finding out if a person fits all the criteria takes some time, and some observation.
See, the problem I’ve found is that a lot of the guys I’ve dated will see that I’ve decided I like them as a person and am physically attracted to them, and thus will assume I’ve decided that we are in a relationship, or that I definitely want a long term commitment from them, but in reality, I just see the potential, and I’m doing my observation to determine if I want to keep them long term.
The Boy and I had that issue. He decided I was too attached because I was still observing whether or not we were in the same place as far as our goals and ideals. Instead of relaxing and opening up to me so I could make this determination, he shut me out. He started telling me how sexy every other female on the planet was, but couldn’t tell me I was attractive. He even pulled away sexually, leaving me to come to the conclusion that he didn’t find me physically attractive, which hurt, because he wasn’t my ideal type physically, and yet I still was attracted to him. It hurt more because he couldn’t explain to me what was wrong. Why wasn’t I good enough for consideration?
The Pirate is doing something of the same thing. He hasn’t told me how attractive other people are yet, but rather, he’s telling me he’s not attracted to anyone, which is something I can deal with, under certain conditions. It means that he’s really so involved in his current situation that sex isn’t a thing that he wants, and I can totally appreciate that.
Which actually brings me to the other thing I’ve been dwelling on. The Pirate made a point of telling me that sex with us was just a “moment.” As in, it was enjoyable in the “moment,” but then afterwards he didn’t really feel anything. This was not only hurtful, but also problematic because it made me feel responsible… the societal brain washing that says a woman is responsible for a man’s happiness kicked in.
But you know what? It’s not my fault. Not entirely. I feel like he’s too much in his head. He’s on a time schedule every time we get together, and the sex, especially if I’m the one to initiate it, is not part of the schedule, and so a lot of times it feels like he’s in a race to get me there, and then afterward he has to check in to see how many times did he get me there. And he asks questions during, and I’m not comfortable with those types of questions.
Like he’ll ask me where I want him to finish… I’ve heard of this sort of thing happening in Porn, but to me, I’m trying to have more than just a moment, and it doesn’t feel right.
To me, the reason I prefer actual intercourse to the oral variety, or even the manual variety, is that it’s mutual pleasure, and when a guy asks me that sort of thing, it puts me in my head instead of allowing me to just enjoy the sensations. It stops being about pleasing both of us, and becomes about pleasing one or the other.
It becomes clinical.
In order for it to not be clinical, and to not be about one person more than the other, requires a couple to explore one another and figure out what is pleasurable for both of them. This requires time, space, touching and teasing.
And sometimes when I kiss him, instead of initiating sex, I’m simply trying to explore what feels good for him, to see if I can excite him, so I can learn what is good for him.
He usually shuts me down, because he doesn’t want to have sex right then and there, and then I’m so embarrassed by being shot down that I can’t explain what it was I was really trying to accomplish.
Because he’s taken charge. He is in total control, and I have no say in what is happening. We’re in his comfort zone, he’s done all the talking, he’s taken total control of a situation and it makes me feel helpless…It feels BAD.
But I’ve seen that glimmer of potential. Twice I’ve had some amount of control over what was happening with us, and both times, I’ve felt like we made a real connection. It’s left me believing that if he’d relinquish some of the power that we could make that connection that both of us can tell is missing…
Question is, is he capable of relinquishing that power enough to let me be myself? Can he let me have my moment of exploration?
Is it because he’s stressed that he’s struggling to maintain control, and he’s inadvertently subjugating me to his will?
Or is that just who he is?
The answer to that question determines whether or not he can get a second chance… but I don’t know what he can do to prove to me that it’s the first and not the second?
Or is it just too late? Has that ship sailed?
Tonight we’ll be discussing this sort of thing and more during our weekly Twitter chat: #JustAddTea.