As we celebrate the turning of the wheel and the sun coming back, so too am I back… Well, for today anyway.
It’s been a while since I wrote, and I need to vent a little bit. So, I guess I’m being a little selfish on this Solstice, but everyone deserves a moment of selfishness every once in a while. It’s been a particularly strange couple of weeks lately, and all I want right now is a stiff drink and a hot bath and maybe a Midol… or five!
Since last I wrote, the semester has finished, I’ve checked a couple of Tinderfellas off the list, made progress (sort of… maybe?) with the one Tinderfella I already knew, and, oh yeah, got rear-ended by a semi-truck.
Yep. Just in time to go home for the holidays, my less than a year-old car gets ruined so I can’t take it home for the holiday. And to make matters worse, my insurance had lapsed. So, whereas normally my insurance would cover the cost of a rental car until the other guy’s insurance accepted liability, I don’t have that option. I can either pay for it out of pocket, or wait until his insurance accepts liability and be dependent on the people around me for rides.
I’ve opted for the second option, due to a lack of funds, and my roommate has been exceptionally helpful by toting me around every once in a while.
It’s given me a really great excuse to not do much of anything. I’ve had a much needed break to really contemplate some things.
Like the guy situation.
Things seem to be progressing with the guy I knew before we met on Tinder. Still need a nickname for him, but the obvious one might give away his identity, and I’m not sure I want to do that just yet. If things go badly, it will be awkward enough.
Actually, it’s already a little bit awkward.
Where I know him from, I am only a particular aspect of myself. And then on Tinder, I’m a very different aspect of myself. I don’t know how to seemlessly go from one to the other. I’ll be deep into my very innocent persona and then I’ll bump into him, and he’ll make some sort of risque comment and it will completely throw me for a loop. It’s usually something that you’d have to be in on the joke in order to realize it was a risque statement, but it’s still enough to make me turns all shades of red and trip over my tongue.
I have absolutely no game where this guy is concerned. And we haven’t had any real conversations outside of the place where we already know each other… the place where I’m basically sweet and innocent and can’t flirt back.
Even if he comes by just to talk, because I’m thinking about the naughtier things that have been shared via text/Tinder, I struggle with trying to talk to him. I find myself cleaning things and not making eye contact, and absolutely looking like a blathering, bumbling idiot.
Even less sexy than that…
So he and I are supposed to go out at some point over this holiday. Of course, we were supposed to go out over Thanksgiving, and that didn’t quite happen.
I tried to explain to the Boy about the awkwardness, because I thought I’d scared the new guy off.
Maybe we’ll call the new guy Mr. Awkward, since he makes me act awkward, but that’s not fair. He’s not awkward at all, as far as I can tell. He’s not exactly talkative, and several of the people who do know him (and know about him) tell me that he’s just not very into conversation. A couple even suggested it was due to a lack of intellect. One person even told me they didn’t think he could read very well…
Obviously that gives me pause.
But, as my father pointed out, I need to stop taking other people’s opinions as facts. Thus, I am trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. Hence trying again for a date.
So, I was trying to tell the Boy about him and about why I thought I’d scared him off because I’m so very, very awkward around this guy, and he told me it was a problem with the guy and not me. And I told him I guess it didn’t matter, but it was hard because I am so very tired of having to do all the work. I deserve to be treated like I matter. I deserve to be someone’s first choice.
And, lately, the Boy has agreed to that statement. He agrees that I deserve to be treated like I’m important… though he’s incapable of treating me like I’m important.
We’ll come back to that in a minute. The new guy (Mr. Quiet, maybe?) first.
So anyway, as I was explaining to the Boy that I thought I’d screwed things up, but that I shouldn’t have to be the one doing all the work and doing all the chasing, he (the Boy) told me that I was right, and that it was definitely an issue with Mr. Quiet…
Yeah, I like that nickname.
Meanwhile, one of the other things I said to him (the Boy) was that every time I think that Mr. Quiet’s not interested, he comes around again.
And sure enough, right before we went on break, he stopped by to talk to me, and I did what I always do, which is act ridiculously nervous and silly. I turn into a giddy, little school girl.
I guess that I like the guy.
And I guess we’ll see how it goes… if it goes anywhere.
So. Back to the Boy.
We’d had a really good few weeks. Not a single fight. Then again, he was out of town. But we’d been doing well before he went out of town, and he’d told me how much he appreciated me, and that he liked me around, and I had gone over to his place to make cookies, and there wasn’t much awkwardness, although we didn’t watch what we’d originally said we’d watch: Predestination.
I have been trying to get him to watch this movie with me for a while, but I haven’t been consistent about asking. Mostly because I HATE begging him to do a thing, so I try really hard not to ask a million times. I don’t want him to feel pressured.
It’s one of a dozen things I do to ensure that he is comfortable. I try to limit the amount of time I spend texting or trying to call him. I try not to remind him when he forgets something (like the playlist that he’s been making for me since before November… or at least I asked before November; it was supposed to be for NaNoWriMo), because he is always accusing me of just telling him he’s a shit to me. I try not to force him to set a specific time to hang out,but just narrow it down to a day. I try really hard to make this relationship as easy for him as possible.
But there are things I need. I need to know that I’m not the only one putting forth effort. I need to know that he does actually care about me the way he says he does. I need to know that when he tells me something that I can trust that it’s real and true and not just lip service to make me feel better so he can get his way. I need to know that he’s not just manipulating me to get what he wants out of our interaction. I need to see him put forth some effort.
Yeah, it seems like a lot, but almost all of that can be achieved by him consistently keeping his appointments with me.
But, he can’t do that.
He doesn’t think it’s important to keep appointments.
Or at least not with me.
He and I were supposed to see Rogue One yesterday. I ended up seeing it today instead. With my roommate.
So the Boy had been out of town doing some stuff in order to get his new business started. While he was gone, we talked a lot. I was someone he wanted to talk to. And if I asked him if he could talk, he just talked to me. There wasn’t a struggle to get attention or anything. And while he was away, or possibly right after he got back, we discussed seeing Rogue One. I specifically asked him if he wanted to go, and he told me not opening weekend.
This made sense to me. It is sometimes crazy and loud and cramped on opening weekend. He said he wanted to see it later the following week (which would be this week). So then the next time we talked, I asked him to narrow it down, and he asked me which days had we been going to the movies? Because for a while there, we were going to the movies every week. I reminded him that we usually went on Tuesdays or Thursdays. I offered to pay for the movie if he could wait until Thursday (so I could be sure that my paycheck had come in).
Instead, he said he couldn’t on Thursday, but he was totally free on Tuesday, so we could try for Tuesday. I missed that key word there, it seems.
And so I went on about my business. under the impression that he and I were going to the movies on Tuesday.
By 3 pm, I decided I might need to confirm because I’d heard NOTHING from him one way or the other. And sure enough, when I asked if we had made plans (which was me trying not to be pushy, although it made me very uncomfortable that we HAD made plans but that he hadn’t narrowed it down to a time frame), his response was that we had NOT made plans, and that some “fuckery” had occurred, and he’d talk to me later.
So. He was canceling on me again. Yeah, I know, it shouldn’t bother me because something came up and it’s not like he did it on purpose, but how many times am I supposed to accept that some sort of “fuckery” has happened that means he’s got to push me to the side? Why should I accept being the disposable friend?
And me telling him that I was hurt because he was again canceling on me caused him to get all up in arms. He told me I was being spiteful because when he rescheduled I accidentally agreed to go to a different movie today when I’d already made plans with my roommate.
Granted, she and I hadn’t picked a time or a movie, but we had to be out of the house during the very matinee time he had asked me about. And then when he told me he couldn’t see Rogue One with me because he’d already agreed to see it with someone else… someone he obviously values a great deal more than me, since his promise to her was worth keeping and yet he can’t honor his word to me…
It happened to coincide with my roommate reminding me that we had plans to go to the movie.
What exactly happened was that I told her that he couldn’t see Rogue One with me because he’d either already seen it, or was going to see it with someone else. Her response was “Well, I guess we know what we’re going to see when we go to the movies tomorrow.” At which point I told him that it was ok because I had plans and couldn’t go with him when he asked.
And to this, he called me spiteful. And it upset me. Schedules are important to me. We have the same conversation a gazillion times, and yet I’m still the disposable one. I’m the friend that it’s okay not to keep his word.
He has no respect for me whatsoever.
A good friend explained to me that if my mother is correct about the Boy being on the Spectrum, then he might honestly not be able to see it from my point of view. To him, if I had canceled, he could just shrug it off and do something else instead.
But for me, that breaking of a scheduled activity upsets my whole day. It hurts my feelings that he can’t even attempt to see it from my point of view. That it doesn’t matter to him. It bothers him that I tell him it hurts my feelings, but to him my feelings are hurt over something stupid and I should just get over it.
It’s hard enough for me that he doesn’t understand that I need things scheduled in advance to some extent anyway. I make do with him just picking a day, and then I hold that day basically open because I don’t want to miss out on whatever activity because he is someone whom I value… I have always rearranged my life for him, but why?
I don’t know anymore.
And I’m not going to do it anymore. If he doesn’t have time for me, I don’t have need of him anymore either. I saw a thing on Facebook the other day, and it explains it quite nicely, even though I don’t expect it to be a “good morning” text. I’m not stupid enough to think he thinks of me at all, let alone right when he wakes up… so I’m done with him, unless he actually puts forth the effort to show me that I matter!