And I’m gonna do my best to skip it.
I have to admit, having never been through a hurricane before, I wasn’t worried initially. The settings on my Facebook news feed are set so the things I see first are inspirational or funny. I’ve been too busy working on lesson plans or trying to get caught up on my sleep or doing mindless things (like watching Netflix stuff) so I can sleep to really pay attention to the hullabaloo about the hurricane.
Speaking of watching stuff… if you’ve got nothing better to do (like you’re waiting for the apocalypse in the form of Hurricane Harvey), you might want to check out the movie What happened to Monday.
With books, I rarely reread them unless I have a good reason, like I’m teaching it or there’s been an updated version (recently reread American Gods because of that…), but with movies, if I like them, I sometimes watch them 4 or 5 times right away.
This movie, What happened to Monday, is one of those.
I have a feeling I’ll see it at least twice more before the hurricane is over. I’ve already shown it to my mom, but I think both my brothers will like it, and yet they’re never in the same place at the same time…
But about that hurricane… I’m hiding away at my mother’s house Northwest of Austin in order to avoid it.
Like I said, I initially wasn’t worried, but then they canceled school on Friday so people could “prepare,” and as I left the school on Thursday, they were boarding up the windows of my classroom to protect them from the hurricane. My roommate told me she thought we might be without power for a week, and the grocery stores have been insane! When I left, one of the radio stations was having people call in to tell them where in town water could be found because everyone was expecting it to get really bad.
I decided it would be best not to tempt fate…
Just last year, my brand new car ended up in like 3 or 4 feet of water, and that wasn’t even a hurricane. I’ve had this new one for less than 6 months… I don’t want to go through the same flooding problem again!
Also, and this may be a little stupid and superstitious, but I feel like my anger/depression about certain situations in my life may be connected to the storm somehow. It’s a spiritual thing that I can’t really explain, which I recognize as being completely illogical, but sometimes, my moods seem to match the weather… but in reverse, as in I’m in the bad mood first, and the weather changes to fit my bad mood.
In this case, I’ve been having trouble sleeping, and one of the mental exercises I do to help me sleep is to imagine myself walking onto a pier to confront the things (or people) who are troubling my mind. Lately, that has involved people whom I feel have abandoned me because of the situation with the Last Guy.
I also have a couple of NPCs (to use gaming terms) that come along and help calm me down if I get too upset while confronting stuff. Lately, they haven’t been helping to calm me down, and instead, in my little mental “relaxation” exercise, I end up creating a storm that takes out the pier in my head.
This has been going on intermittently for the last few weeks… basically since I realized that a good many of my friends decided to dump me, and I was faced with seeing the Last Guy on social media having great fun at events I wasn’t invited to, or even told about.
I’ve talked about it before. The reason it bothers me so much is that when I confronted him about keeping me a secret, he told me that he hadn’t said anything to our mutual friends, and hadn’t introduced me to his friends because he didn’t have true friends in town… I told him I wouldn’t lie to our mutual friends if it came up, and he agreed, making it seem like he didn’t mind if they knew, and yet I was told that most of our friends had figured out we were dating because he’d stopped being available for events. The insinuation is that it is my fault that he couldn’t hang out with them.
And now that we’re not together, he’s being invited, and I’m not. It reinforces that idea that I was seen as the problem.
It may be that I’m trying to come up with a logical explanation that doesn’t involve my social awkwardness. Most of those friends partied considerably harder than I do. They drink more, they watch scarier movies than I like, and they’re in a part of town that is a long drive for me. I sometimes am uncomfortable around them, and it is the same group that on a couple of occasions have told me that I’m standoffish when I’m uncomfortable.
But there was one friend that I considered my friend first. He was the same friend who, when I first told him the Last Guy was using me for sex, got really upset on the Guy’s behalf and told me that wasn’t the case. He wanted intimacy and that he really seemed to like me. I’ve always valued my friend’s opinion, and it did give me some hope. Maybe I misinterpreted what he meant, but I was really happy, and the Last Guy seemed really into me as a person, and the one person who knew us both and knew the whole situation seemed to think that it was going well…
But even after the Last Guy basically proved to me that all he wanted from me was the physical and that he had absolutely no emotional attachment to me, my friend told me I was wrong in the way I was looking at things. I was hurt, and dealing with a sense of double loss, and he told me that all I needed to do was write down my feelings and throw it away. How does that help me process anything? How does that answer my questions?
It just upsets me, and every now and then, I begin to dwell on that loss as well: the loss of a friend that I trusted and valued.
And then I go through my mental exercise, and the mental waves get bigger and bigger because there’s been no honest communication to explain why I’ve been discarded. I can’t process any of it, it just turns into a bigger and bigger storm.
And now there’s an actual hurricane, and, illogically, I feel guilty about it.
And yet, somehow I also feel at ease, like this is a form of cleansing that will help me move on. So I came home (well, I went to my mother’s home) to ride out the storm.
I hope everyone else is staying safe and as dry as possible. And I hope it doesn’t upset our school schedule too much more; we’ve already lost Friday…
Anyway. Because I’m away from the worst parts of the storm (they’re predicting we’ll see hurricane winds and rain in the Austin area… though so far, it’s a rather pleasant sprinkling), #JustAddTea will be on for Sunday, and I do already feel better.
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