I’m a little late, but Happy New Year!!
And this year we’ll be making some changes to Just Add Tea. Hopefully changes that will help me to stay on track with all my goals for this year.
See, a couple of years ago I decided to streamline this blog to be mostly about dating. That was what got the most traffic, after all, and it seemed to be the best thing to talk about at the time.
Before that, it was all about teaching and other things that were particularly stressful… Well, in reality it was about whatever happened to be on my mind, and at the time, teaching was the biggest thing, with a few movie and television reviews thrown in from time to time.
But this year, I want to try to really get on a schedule and really stay focused. The past year was one full of learning, though,
possibly probably the biggest lessons weren’t ones that I put in this blog. I learned a great deal about myself in those introspective moments when everything started to fall apart, and yet I managed to find a way to survive it.
If we look back at last year, the biggest bit was with the Last Guy, though there is very little record of him left on here. The irony is that the more I kept telling people I was tired of changing for men, the more I seemed to be trying to change for him… even though he never even cared for me even the tiniest bit.
I wanted someone who liked me for me, who respected me, who would be open and honest and discuss things with me. He did those things… well some of them. He didn’t respect me, and though he would argue that he didn’t use me, he really did. There was a small smidgeon of hope that it wasn’t just play, and the more I told other people about how we were together, the more they all told me that it was obvious that he did care, and cared more than what he was telling me that he did.
As someone who doesn’t always get the nuances of what people mean when they put on those socially necessary airs, I relied too heavily on the opinions of those around me, and let myself fall into emotions that I should have kept locked tight away.
Then, when things became even more complicated, I needed someone who was on my side, and found I had no one.
In previous situations (I’m thinking back to the Ex and even the Bartender), that would have been enough to make me absolutely fall apart, but I managed to not let my entire world get overwhelmed. I weathered the change.
Not well… but I managed to not absolutely give in to the overwhelming feelings of the situation.
I lost quite a few friends over that whole situation, one of which whom I miss, but I don’t think I can ever get back. In my opinion, he identified entirely too much with the Last Guy. He got angry at me every time I tried to explain to him that the Last Guy only wanted sex from me. He felt that wasn’t me being fair, and he said that it was obvious that the Last Guy did care about me. His opinion meant more to me than most…
And when it all blew up, and I needed someone who could comfort me, he told me it was my own fault for allowing myself to just be an option instead of the only…
It is the loss of this friend that haunts me more than the loss of the Last Guy.
But, you know what? I survived!
And yes, that is quite the victory!
Other victories from last year?
- I won NaNoWriMo for the first time ever.
- I received praise from my principal and the district people for being a good teacher.
- I managed to get myself somewhat out of the terrible nasty debt I’d been in.
- I started a writing club at my school.
- I won some money for a poem I wrote (not much, but hey, it still counts!).
- I won Christmas…
Okay, so that last one is mostly silly, but I did give the most awesome Christmas gifts this year. At least, I think they went over well… and I really liked the ones I got in return. It was one of the best Christmases that I can remember, even though I was sick.
More importantly, all of this has given me some very positive outlooks for 2018, and I’ve begun implementing the changes necessary to keep the positive vibes rolling forward into this wonderful new year.
My goals for 2018 are in three parts: Writing, Teaching, and Social Media (which includes this blog).
These things may seem ridiculously unrelated, but one of the things I’ve been doing to help me make progress is to participate in “Planifest 2018.” I wasn’t sure what to expect, but she promised to help create a plan for success in 2018, and I’m not paying anything for it (yet), so I am giving it a go. One of the first things that it helped me to realize was what was the thing at the center of me. How do my different interests and focus connect?
Do you know what I found?
I found that I am here to be a teacher. I teach my students how to identify what connects us through archetypes and the deeper meanings in literature. I found that my mission is to open people up to see the similarities and to celebrate our differences and the way those differences can help us help one another. I found that I dream of creating a legacy of love and understanding through my writing and my teaching.
So I’ll be making some changes around the blog to better illustrate my goals and dreams.
One of the first steps was to confront the negativity that was holding me back, and my situation with the Last Guy and the friends I lost because of that situation had put a darkness, a block of sorts into my heart. By accepting that I made a mistake, but that I learned from it, I can begin to release it. I forgive the Last Guy for hurting me, and I forgive myself for allowing myself to be hurt. I even forgive my friend for not understanding what I needed; besides, I didn’t understand what he was trying to tell me at the time. I may not agree with the sentiment, but I can understand why he might not be able to see things from my point of view either.
I release that anger and hurt out of my life so that I may continue to grow the happiness that has been making it’s way into my life. I want to continue to grow in my understanding of myself, and to continue to promote an image of love and understanding through literature and various other forms of communication.
Thank you for coming with me on this journey, and may 2018 be a wonderful year for all of us! Here’s to a fresh start!