It’s finally time to put the strange year that was 2018 behind us! 2018 was full of many things, both good and bad, but more than anything (or at least for me) it was full of learning.
I learned more about who I was, and I’m still learning about what I’m worth, but 2019 is the year I take all those things I learned and put them to use for me instead of letting things work against me.
2019 is the year I Renew myself!
My word for 2019 is just that: Renew, and I’m starting it off with a bang in my new bullet journal!
I spent several days really thinking about what I wanted to accomplish for 2019 and came up with a plan to achieve it. I’ve got several big goals that I want to work on throughout the year, and I’ve got them all documented so that I won’t lose sight of them (if I can stay focused).
More than that, though, I spent some time really thinking about what has kept me back all this time:
I allow myself to wallow.
Not always intentionally, but whether intentional or not, I lose a lot of time being introspective about things that have happened and that I cannot change. I tell myself (because it’s true) that I do this so that I can keep from making the same mistakes again, but one of the things that I’m learning (it’s still a work in progress) is that I cannot control how other people react to me.
I cannot change others’ opinions when they’re wrong about me or anything else. I cannot push them in the right direction no matter how hard I try because, even when I’m right, they will only resent my interference.
On that same note, I have to accept that sometimes the only way to help those kinds of people is to remove them from my life: Either they will see the error of their ways and change on their own, or they won’t, and if they don’t change, I don’t have to deal with their toxicity.
Toxic people make me feel unworthy of love, and I know my worth, so I’m removing them from my life.
The last few days of 2018 were rough for me. I had a falling out with some people that were very close to me. Words were said, words that can’t be taken back, but also that show the truth of who those people are and how they view me… And while it hurts (a lot!), I’ve accepted that, in the long run, I think I’ll be better off without them in my life. They wanted me gone, and they’re going to get their wish.
The thing that bothered me most about it was that I have held myself back many times thinking that I had to bring these people along with me… we were that close… but every change I’ve made to move forward in my own life has done nothing but made them resent me more.
So, now I’m moving forward with my life. Without them.
I’m renewing myself and trying to become whole once more.
While most of it is just being more organized and accepting myself, one key part is learning to be calm where men are concerned. This is definitely a work in progress, but if things continue progressing with the Movie Bartender, I think I’ll find that peace soon enough.
Yes, he is still around, and more than that, we’re going on date number 2 tomorrow.
One of my concerns has been that he is a little weird when it comes to texting. Even going back and looking at my own post about “textiquette” didn’t give me any clues about whether his inconsistency in texting was a sign he didn’t like me, or if he was just a bad texter… but when I told him my concerns, he told me he thought “we are more on the same page than either of us know.”
I have faith that is true.
In person, I feel a great sense of calm when talking with him. It’s comfortable and easy to tell him things. The struggle is the in-between times. I want to know more about him, and to ask him questions and to really get down to the nitty-gritty, but it feels wrong in text.
Still, in him I find hope.
If you noticed earlier, my bullet journal theme for January is the Phoenix and rising from the ash. From the pain that came from one falling out, I rise stronger with my eyes focused on the hope from the Movie Bartender and the future (whatever it brings).
What does that mean for those of you following my journey here?
Well, hopefully, it means that you’ll see more posts. I’ve incorporated more writing time into my schedule, and that should help me to get more posts done.
I’ve also made some goals for me as to my teaching that should help me (if I can manage them) to be even more organized and productive throughout the school year so I’m not just writing during breaks.
Of course, as far as that goes, I’ve heard some rumors about how things will change next school year that (if true) will allow for more me time… which includes more writing time.
So, out with the old, toxic people of my past, and in with a brighter, more productive, more hopeful future!
May we rise from the ashes of 2018 and soar into a bright new future in 2019!
May your 2019 be full of hope and positive change!